The A-B-C’s of A-S-S Rock

| February 6, 2009 | 0 Comments

So you and crap-rock have been seeing each other for a while, sparks are flying, and you decide its time to take it to the next level. Great to see you’ve decided to make the commitment! Avoid looking foolish by following my handy guide:

The ABC’s of ASS-Rock!

Step 1: First things first, let’s pick a name, something both memorable and meaningless, but it will also need to strike fear into the hearts of teenagers everywhere. Something like Buck-Hinder, Nickel-Eleven, or Seether-Back. You get the idea, anything goes, so just don’t think about it too much, you don’t want to alienate your audience by using big words or complex ideas or symbols.

Step 2: Now that you’ve got the most kick-balls name since Fuck-Meth its time to work on your vocabulary. Throw away any word you can’t say with a sneer. This may seem limiting at first so try substituting for words with similar meanings (after all its not what you say so much as you look cool to white trash people when you say it). For example girlfriend, it never tough to refer to your “girlfriend”, you might as well have a sweater vest on. So, try something else like woman, girl, or bitch. See! That was fun, and easy lets try another! Marijuana: first of all only narcs and old people say “Marijuana” say weed or dope and you will have more street cred than will fit in the pockets of your leather pants. Speaking of leather pants…

Step 3: Now that every bitch knows how dope you are at talking good, you need to look dope also. Get some tattoos, don’t waste time trying to decide on something meaningful to put on your body forever, they will have plenty of things on the wall that other people have gotten for you to get too. Besides, there will be plenty of time to figure out what it means to you later. Now that you have full sleeves and some neck tattoos of names, its on to the clothes. Always wear something leather, always, and at least one bandana. You are only allowed to wear fur or feathers if you are the frontman, and drummers aren’t allowed to wear sleeves, no exceptions. If you find yourself confused on how to act or how to look in pictures just make a face like either you just said the word fuck or someone just said it to you, both faces are acceptable, but only those two.

Step 4: Lyrics. Don’t worry writing lyrics is easy. Forget subtlety or nuance, fucktaint! you don’t even know what those words mean anyway. Just say whatever words come to your mind, and don’t worry about if they rhyme now, you can just sing them like they do and no one will notice. (Pro tip: no two words rhyme better than the same two words, like the following example: “Everytime we fuck, its so real, I love to fuck, you make it real.”) Don’t be afraid to be vulgar, you need people to know that you have engaged in various and specific sex acts. Also, discretion is unimportant when broaching subjects like drugs either, if you and your girl were smoking Crystal Meth in the bathtub, you can certainly expect to write a song with lyrics like: “Smoking Meth in the tub with my best girl, we got high till she had to hurl.” teenagers have proven time and time again that they will spent limitless amounts of cash for songs like this.

Step 5: Last and most important is Attitude. You absolutely have to have a sense of entitlement. You deserve what everyone else wants and doesn’t have. Talk about how different you are and how you hate being famous (actual fame not important). Marry someone pretty, have a kid and divorce her. People will love how you are a family man and they will relate to your failed marriage.

Good luck and make sure you have plenty of wall space for all those gold records for your “achievements” in “music”.

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